My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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