the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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