So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
