just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
