My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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