im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize