He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
