I just threw up on my dentist
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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