Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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