Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
