btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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