girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize