just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
