The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the condom got lost in my hair
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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