just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
