I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
