my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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