chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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