So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
