You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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