Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
