happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
no you cant smoke seaweed
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
