you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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