you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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