so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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