Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
