i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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