I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
