so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
