Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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