I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
