You're completely useless in the revolution.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
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