how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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