tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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