yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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