I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
