When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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