The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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