then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
