I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize