His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
