i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
