You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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