So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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