I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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