so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
