You're my little dorito
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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