Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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