Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize