Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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