Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
