I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize