it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
