I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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