Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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