My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
