You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
did i just pee glitter
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
