You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
