i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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