upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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