Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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