and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
