She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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