Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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