how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
