i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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