i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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